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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25501162">I Can't Lose You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadbythursday/pseuds/deadbythursday'>deadbythursday</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Derek was shot, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spencer has abandonment issues, Spencer has to think about loss, hospital angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:27:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,830</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25501162</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadbythursday/pseuds/deadbythursday</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The bright lights were giving him a terrible migraine. Combined with the hustle and bustle of bodies, the smell of disinfectant, and the incessant beeping from these damned machines and it was a recipe for an overwhelmed Spencer. </p>
<p>He couldn’t leave though, not in these circumstances. </p>
<p>These circumstances meaning, specifically, Derek Morgan on a surgical table.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>181</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Can't Lose You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Who the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> thought it was a good idea to make hospitals so bright?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seriously, the LED lights made it so that there was not a single dark spot in the room, and combined with the white walls it genuinely made his head hurt. There were cells in the human eye that detected lights and then nerves take that detection to the brain. Most people, when subjected to bright lights for long periods of time, felt a lot of strain on that connection which could cause migraines. Some of the population even experienced it at all times. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Spencer Reid was a doctor, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> all of those things, what he didn’t understand was why </span>
  <em>
    <span>these</span>
  </em>
  <span> doctors didn’t seem to understand that. Combined with the hustle and bustle of bodies, the smell of disinfectant, and the incessant </span>
  <em>
    <span>beeping </span>
  </em>
  <span>from these damned machines and it was a recipe for an overwhelmed Spencer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t leave though, not in these circumstances. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>These circumstances meaning, specifically, Derek Morgan on a surgical table. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The entirety of the BAU was gathered in the waiting room. It had been hours since they arrived, and nothing so far had quelled the anxiety that was radiating off of them. Hotch was doing his best to remain stoic, even going as far as to glance over the case file that they’d just finished, but any of the profilers in the room could clearly tell that his eyes weren’t focusing on the words in front of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>JJ and Emily were talking quietly in the corner, each sending him the occasional sympathetic glance, hands clasped to comfort one another. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Garcia had only just arrived. She’d insisted on flying out as soon as she’d heard what happened, and with a quick phone call from Hotch, the jet attendant had quickly rushed the technical analyst to the rest of her team. Every member of the team, Spencer included, had secretly been praying for good news to give her. No one wanted to be the one to tell Garcia that he was still in surgery, that the doctors kept looking at them in pity. No one wanted to hurt her like that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Spencer though, Spencer knew he was a wreck. He’d started off by trying to stay calm, only getting up to pace twice within the first hour. Once they’d hit hour three though, that’s when he had felt the beginnings of panic start itching at his spine. He was playing the moment over and over again in his head, thinking of what he could’ve done differently, what he could have prevented. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The idea of losing Derek was making his heartache. They’d been together for a little under a year now, slowly but surely falling in love with one another. At first, they’d kept their relationship on the down-low, mostly because they didn’t want to deal with their nosy co-workers in the midst of a budding relationship. Somehow though, keeping their relationship separate from work had just become a part of their routine. They would simply keep to themselves in the office or on cases, but once they were metaphorically clocked out, then they would end up at one of their places for personal time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hell, Spencer had been having this strange nag in the back of his head for </span>
  <em>
    <span>weeks</span>
  </em>
  <span> now that Derek was about to ask him to move in. He’d found a new copy of Derek’s house key tucked inside of Derek’s underwear drawer right before they left for the case, and the memory of how his heart swelled then was destroying him now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No one knew what internal struggle Spencer was dealing with, only privy to Spencer’s worry about his co-worker. They didn’t know that if Spencer lost Derek today, then he’d be losing so much more than just a friend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something fell off in the distance, a metal clanging noise drawing everyone in the room out of their thoughts. Garcia just about jumped out of her chair in surprise, but everyone else snapped into a defensive position. The FBI really had ingrained a protective nature into the team, but all of them settled once they caught sight of the tipped cart in the hallway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That loud noise brought Spencer to a different place though, specifically replaying the sound of a gunshot over and over in his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--------------------------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They were rounding the side of the building, Derek in front and Spencer in back.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The rest of the team would be approaching from the other side of the home, all with guns at the ready to take down their unsub. He’d somehow managed to jump out of the second-story window into the backyard, but with a suburban neighborhood like this, the police had easily surrounded the house. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Their guy would surely be thinking the same thing. He was surrounded, and desperate. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They’d all expected this to be a quick and easy takedown. Their unsubs MO hadn’t involved firearms, so hopefully, he’d put his hands up as soon as he saw that every single one of them was armed. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>At least, that’s what they hoped. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What they hadn’t expected was for him to shoot a pistol that he’d concealed in his jacket. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The shot rang out, followed but two more as Hotch took him down easily. Spencer though, he wasn’t focused on their unsub at all. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>His time had slowed down the minute he’d realized who their guy had shot at. Derek had gone down fast, like a sack of bricks. The sound of his body hitting the ground was more traumatizing than the gunshot. He heard shots every day. It wasn’t every day that he heard the body of his boyfriend hit the ground.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This was one of the few times in Spencer’s life where is eidetic memory failed him. He remembered screaming, falling to his knees to assess the damage. When he flipped Derek over onto his back, the other was blinking blearily up at him. He was so obviously disoriented, but Spencer’s eyes immediately shot to the wound. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The entrance wound was right at the border of his FBI bulletproof vest, too close to his heart for Spencer’s comfort. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>He’d had to be physically pried from Derek’s body, kicking and screaming the whole time. He felt crazed, he felt like a lunatic, he felt like his boyfriend was going to bleed out on the ground and it should’ve been him he should’ve gone first ohgodohgodohgod-</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--------------------------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want some coffee, Spence? I think I saw a Starbucks in the lobby, maybe a hot chocolate or a croissant or something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was JJ’s voice that shook Spencer out of his debilitating thoughts, bringing him back down to reality. She and Emily were both hovering over him, looking obviously concerned with his state. He appreciated them both, he really did, but the thought of going all the way down to the first floor, so far from Derek, was enough to make him sick. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shook his head curtly in response, not trusting his voice at the moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You sure?” Emily chimed in, “When was the last time you ate?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wracked his brain for an answer to the question, but it came up blank. Honestly, it was probably yesterday at breakfast. Derek was always so angry that he skipped most meals, opting for vending machine pop tarts instead. He remembered how the other would huff, shake his head, try in vain to get him to each just an </span>
  <em>
    <span>apple </span>
  </em>
  <span>for Christ’s sake. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think he needs space Em,” JJ whispered, tugging on her friend’s arm. With another sympathetic glance over her shoulder, Emily allowed JJ to pull her away and toward the elevators. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could feel his heart rate speeding up, he could feel his mouth drying out. He was slowly feeling sicker and sicker with each second that passed, with each happy memory that played in his brain. He couldn’t lose him. He’d die if he lost him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In one fluid motion, he stood from his seat. His remaining coworkers all snapped their eyes to him as if looking at him would tell them what he was feeling (two of them were profilers, so that was honestly feasible).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Air.” Was the only thing that he could say before he rushed out. That waiting room felt like a time bomb. It felt like any second now, that doctor would come in to say that the love of his life, the only man who had ever made him feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>seen, </span>
  </em>
  <span>was dead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The hallway at least put a little distance between him and the inevitable future that was playing out in his head. At least the hum of the vending machines and the dinging of the elevators was better than the scribbling of casefiles or the murmurs of Derek’s condition. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d been out there for only a few minutes when Penelope Garcia strode in, a worried look on her face. She’d been crying quietly since she arrived, and the blotchy cheeks and smudged mascara just made his heartache for her as much as it did for himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Spencer, Spence, hey,” She murmured, catching him mid-pace by his arm. He had no choice but to swing around to face her, and all at once, it was like a dam broke. He couldn’t stop talking, the panic in him building and spilling out through his mouth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t do this, I can’t handle this, Garcia I </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t-”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She cut him off with a shush, pulling him to her chest. He went willingly, falling into her comforting arms. She was so gentle, so kind, and even though her own heart was hurting she was still willing to sit out here and comfort Spencer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was crying now, and he knew that the shoulder of her dress was slowly being soaked. He had done his best to keep himself calm while in the presence of the team, but Garcia was </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She, out of everyone, was the only person who he could trust to relate to him at least a little bit. That was his boyfriend on the table, but he was her best friend too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re doing such a good job of staying calm sweetheart,” She soothed, stroking a hand over his head. “I’m so proud of you, so levelheaded.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What if I lose him?” He choked out, “What if I </span>
  <em>
    <span>lose</span>
  </em>
  <span> him, Penelope?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t think like that, he’s gonna come back to us,” She was crying now too, he could hear it in her voice. Yet, here she was, continuing to comfort him. Maybe that’s why she and Derek were so close, they were both so naturally positive and caring towards everyone around them. It was probably comforting to feel that care reciprocated from one another. “He-he’s always gonna come back to us Spence, he promised.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love him,” He sobbed, clutching at her dress and she guided their bodies to sit on a nearby bench. “I love him, and he’s gonna leave me, it should’ve been </span>
  <em>
    <span>me, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I should’ve gone </span>
  <em>
    <span>first, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t say that Spencer, he’d be so mad if he could hear you right now.” She said and took that moment to pull back and look him in the eye. Hers were wet with fresh tears, but they were so serious. “He loves you so much Spencer, every time he talks about you he sounds so in love. If- God forbid- </span>
  <em>
    <span>If</span>
  </em>
  <span> he leaves us today, then that’s how he’d have it every time. If it were him or you, he’d pick him every time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Spencer’s tears were flowing more and more with every passing second, She was right, he knew that. Derek was the most selfless man he’d ever met, of course, he wouldn’t put his life before Spencers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But, he’s not going anywhere so we don’t have to think about that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The assurance in her voice contrasted the white-knuckled grip that she had on Spencer’s hands. He couldn’t fault her though, he was holding hers just as tightly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love him too sweetheart, not the same wat that you do obviously, but he’s one of the most important men in my life. He makes me smile in an industry, hell in a </span>
  <em>
    <span>world</span>
  </em>
  <span> that’s severely lacking in smiles. We just have to trust that he’s fighting so hard Spencer, he’s fighting </span>
  <em>
    <span>so hard</span>
  </em>
  <span> to come back to us and he’s gonna win.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His head was hurting still from the lights, and now from the crying, but he nodded anyway. It felt good to have someone to cry to, to cry with. He could see that same energy reciprocated in Penelope, a certain kinship that could only come from mutual love.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next time that the elevator dinged, it was JJ and Emily who walked out. Apparently they’d opted to get everyone drinks, after all, each of them holding a drink holder loaded with coffees and pastries. They stopped in their tracks when they caught sight of Spencer and Penelope though, blinking at the sight before they opted to join them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They distributed a drink to each of them (Spencer noticed that they’d opted to give him a hot chocolate instead of a coffee, probably in some vain hope that he’d be able to sleep soon) as well as a pastry. Usually, he and Garcia were the two who were most excited by warm croissants, but they could only muster back quiet ‘thank yous’ in response. The pastries were sat down beside them, neither having much of an appetite, and they began to sip at their drinks quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually, Spencer decided to speak. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Derek and I have been together for almost a year,” he started, choking halfway though. He had to calm down again, a few deep breaths that were paired with a comforting rub on his back from Garcia and encouraging nods from JJ and Emily. “I love him, I love him more than anything in this world, and if he doesn’t make it out of this I don’t know what I’m going to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can figure that out when we get there Spence,” Emily murmured, leaning forward to rest a hand on his forearm. “He’s a strong man. He’s going to make it through this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s helped me through so much, and I just keep thinking about how I could’ve made him happier, or been a better boyfriend-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No no no, don’t go there Spence, you’re going to drive yourself insane,” JJ said, and she was probably right. He was going to sit here and drive himself to an early grave if he didn’t stop his huge brain from feeding him the most terrible possibilities. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“JJ’s right Spence, even without us knowing that you guys are together it’s really obvious that he loves you so much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just want him to be okay.” He brought his free hand up to cover his mouth, trying in vain to stifle another sob that was threatening to come out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He will be, he’s gonna be okay Spence. Everything is gonna be okay.” Garcia was so careful with her words, so calm in her presentation. Maybe, just maybe, if she repeated herself enough then Spencer would start to believe her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--------------------------</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another two hours passed, with Garcia, and Spencer spending most of that time in the hallway. JJ and Emily had stayed for a little while before seemingly recognizing that Garcia and Spencer’s plights were a lot deeper than they could understand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was Emily though, who called them back in to tell them that the doctor had news. They’d practically run then, hands clasped together as they made their way back to their circle of co-workers. Apparently the team had waited for them before giving the doctor the go-ahead to speak, something that Spencer appreciated. Maybe hearing the news as a group would spread the weight across all of them instead of just dumping in straight onto him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Agent Morgan’s condition is stable. The bullet grazed his heart, but the majority of the injury was focused on the surrounding tissue. He’ll have to stay in the hospital for a few days, but we were able to remove the bullet fragments, and he should be good to go in a few weeks. He’s going to experience some shoulder pain as the wound heals, and we’re recommending no fieldwork for two to three weeks.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was an audible breath of relief in the room, with members of the team reacting in various ways. Hotch, for his part, looked as relieved as the rest of them but it was a lot more reserved. His nod to the doctor was curt and punctuated. JJ and Emily both looked exhausted, but grateful, opting to sit down and find comfort in one another. Rossi took it upon himself to talk to the doctors further about Derek’s condition, getting more details on his injuries.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Spencer and Garcia both immediately turned to each other. He could feel her vibrating in happiness and relief as fresh tears poured down his face. For the past, nearly 5 hours Spencer had been mentally playing through what would happen if Derek died on that table. He’d grappled with the complicated emotions that came with loss, he’d abandoned nearly all hope and just operated on the mindset of ‘of course this would happen’. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now though, it was like his body had been so prepared for the most debilitating news that he didn’t know what to do with good news. His brain felt empty like it was still processing that Derek was alive, his injuries were minor, and the surgery had only dragged on for so long because of the bullet fragments. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was alive. He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>alive.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was JJ who asked the million-dollar question though. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we see him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, our nurses are finishing up with him now. He’s on a lot of medication to numb the pain, but he’s awake.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Minutes later and they were being escorted to Derek’s room. The walk there allowed for Spencer to slowly start to regain feeling, specifically guilt. How could he just assume Derek would leave so easily? Is that insulting, to assume that he wouldn’t make it through surgery? Garcia was squeezing his hand throughout the walk, and he’d be willing to bet that without her he’d have passed out by now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Derek’s room was dim, thank fucking god. It was most likely due to Derek’s own sensitivities after surgery, but Spencer was so grateful to escape those eerie, bright lights of the rest of the hospital.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was more grateful to see Derek though.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The team part like the red sea doe he and Garcia, allowing them to walk straight to Derek’s bedside. Clearly they could see how deeply this had affected the two of them, and even though most of them knew of his relationship, he was still glad that they didn’t question him too much. Derek, for his part, looked like shit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His shoulder was bandaged tightly, the medical tape wrapping across his upper chest too. He looked like a war victim, and in a way, he was. Spencer’s eyes traveled up to Derek’s, and in them, he could see how tired the other man was. He looked glazed with medication, exhausted from surgery, but behind all of that he could see a familiar glint that was distinctively </span>
  <em>
    <span>Derek. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p><span>“Oh no,” He rasped out, and instantly everyone in the room tensed. “Who let these two cry? Come on, you guys didn’t think I’d be gone that easily did you?”</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>Immediately, Penelope started sobbing. </span></p>
<p>
  <span>She sat on the edge of his bed and clutched his hand in hers, sobbing openly and unabashed about how he couldn’t do that to her again, she wouldn’t be able to take it, how he needed to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>careful, </span>
  </em>
  <span>there were people who </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved </span>
  </em>
  <span>him goddamnit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know baby girl, I’m sorry I scared you,” he shushed, but he let out a rumbling chuckle all the same. He soothed her for a minute more before making eye contact with Spencer over her head. He looked so apologetic, probably able to tell that Spencer was in a similar mental state as Garcia. He’d already cried himself out though, and frankly, if he started up again he’d probably pass out. Instead, he offered Derek the weakest smile that he could muster.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And </span>
  <em>
    <span>Spencer, </span>
  </em>
  <span>you can’t do that to poor spencer, that poor baby was a mess,” Garcia stuttered out, and Spencer had to duck his face to hide his flush. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was just scared is all,” he whispered, voice hoarse from his previous fit. Derek practically melted then, motioning for Spencer to round the bed on his other side. He did as he was beckoned, mirroring Garcia’s position on the other side. Under normal circumstances, he’d probably want privacy, but this was different. This team was just as much Derek’s family as he was, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask any of them, least of all Garcia, for space.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They seemed like the wanted to give it to him though, considering JJ and Emily ushered Garcia away with quiet promises of dinner and a hotel room in the area. Visiting hours were over long ago, and they’d only made exceptions because they were FBI. Derek was permitted one person overnight in the room with him, and the unanimous decision was that it would be Spencer with the rest of the team returning first thing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They offered a few well-wishes on their departure, and Derek gave Garcia a peck to the cheek, and then they were left alone. Spencer couldn’t meet Derek’s eyes, too afraid of sobbing again, so instead, he kept his gaze locked on Derek’s larger hand that was clutched between his own. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Baby boy,” Derek said, trying to make eye contact with Spencer under his fan of hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told JJ and Emily about us,” Was his response, seemingly to Derek’s surprise. He kept talking in order to clarify. “I was crying with Garcia and they looked concerned, so I at least wanted them to know why I was a mess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A mess?” Derek pried, wanting details. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Apparently I cannot handle the thought of losing you.” He shrugged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, if I have anything to say about it then you won’t ever have to baby boy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope so,” Annnnnnd there was the voice crack. He brought his hand up to cover his mouth, but the tears were already coming and he was already crying. Everything was so intense, the relief, and he couldn’t handle it anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Derek pulled him to his chest (thankfully he was situated on Derek’s uninjured side) and shushed him gently. He kissed at his head, he rubbed at his back, and both of them found solace in the body of the other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Technically, the sofa in the room could be finessed into a makeshift bed, but the two of them managed to wiggle Spencer into Derek’s hospital bed. His nurses throughout the night weren’t too happy about their system, but it’s what helped them sleep through the night so no one dared comment. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ladies and gentlemen, did I make myself cry while writing this? You bet I did. </p>
<p>With that being said, if you're interested in more of my work, I have a Criminal Minds writing Tumblr blog which is @deadbythursday so feel free to drop by with requests, thoughts, to just support! I do appreciate each and every comment that I get, so don't be afraid to tell me what you think!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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